


Please, Give Me This

by Irollforinitiative



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fix-It, Forgiveness, Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition - Trespasser DLC, Solas Redemption Arc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2019-09-14 01:04:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16903182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irollforinitiative/pseuds/Irollforinitiative
Summary: At the final scene of Trespasser, the Inquisitor makes one final request of Solas, the man she loves so desperately. She asks him to end her life so that she doesn't have to live in the world he is creating. Unable to even give her that, Solas is forced to re-examine everything he has done and everything he has believed in since he woke up. A man un-moored, Solas has to rebuild himself as he atones for his arrogance while the Inquisitor watches on, questioning whether it's worth it to give him one more chance to break her heart.





	1. Chapter 1

She had been only seven years old when she’d had her first crush. Lilith had raced home from her lessons so quickly she tripped and skinned her knee. But none of it mattered. She had such good news to tell her mother. 

“Momma! Momma!” She started shouting as soon as she could see their shared tent on the edge of the camp. 

Her mother pushed back the flap of their tent, a worried look on her face. “Lilith, my heart, what is wrong?” 

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It’s the best day of my life. I’ve never been happier.” Lilith raced into the tent and jumped around her mother like a playful baby halla. 

“Slow down, child. Tell me what is happening. Why is today such a good day?” She held Lilith’s shoulders to still her. 

Lilith looked up into her mother’s face and grinned. “I’m in love, momma. Isn’t it grand?” 

Her mother’s face had fallen as if she’d heard the worst news in the world and Lilith had felt a spike of panic at the reaction, never wanting to cause her mother distress. “Momma, no. It’s a good thing. I think he likes me as well.” 

Her mother shook her head and led Lilith over to their sitting area. “You are so young, my heart. But you must learn this lesson now, it seems.” 

Lilith sat by her mother and knit her eyebrows together. “Okay…” 

“Lilith. You know the stories of Fen’harel?” 

Lilith nodded, eyes going wide in fear as she thought of all the stories the other children told. “Yes.” 

“The stories are wrong, you see. He is not in the world searching for us and hunting us. He is inside all of us.” 

Lilith gasped, mouth falling open. “What?” 

“Not the scary Dread Wolf of the stories. But his essence. You see, when one of the People falls in love they must give their heart to the person they love. And when we receive the heart of our love we devour it like the Dread Wolf. It’s not literal. But it also is very literal. You stop having your own heart. The person you love becomes your heart and you theirs because they’ve gobbled your heart all up and you’ve gobbled up theirs. Do you understand?” 

Lilith could only nod. It was a new and complicated idea, but it made sense. She knew people could be like the Dread Wolf. And she knew love meant giving up your heart. 

“You see, my darling Lilith, if the person gives you their heart as well then you can gobble it down and fill the hole where your heart had been before. But if they don’t give you their heart in return? If they run off after eating your heart up? Well then you’re left with nothing.” 

Lilith thought about the whispers she’d heard around the camp. “Is that what happened to you?” 

Her mother had only smiled and shook her head. “No. I thought he ran off with my heart but I was lucky. You stole it back from him first, so I still have it.” 

That had assuaged her fears, but the story had stayed with Lilith as she grew up. Once she was old enough she’d learned the full story of her father. A young hunter, he married her mother only months after they began their courtship. When she fell pregnant, he was initially happy. But six months before Lilith was born he’d announced to the village that he had been trapped into the marriage and had never truly consented to it. Such an accusation was a heavy crime to level against Lilith’s mother, so the clan had set a date for a tribunal. However, before the meeting could take place he had fled and renounced his place in the village, thus clearing the name of Lilith’s mother before the time of her birth. But the heartache of his betrayal remained. 

Here, surrounded by statues that were once living beings, Lilith wanted nothing more than to go home and apologize to her mother for not listening. After spending decades viciously protecting her heart, she’d given it away so freely to the real Dread Wolf himself. He’d gobbled it down without blinking and when he left, Lilith had to face the reality that much as it seemed Solas had given his heart to her as well, she was left with a hole in her chest and no heart given in return to fill the void. 

_ If you had just told me.  _ Lilith’s words seemed to echo in her mind as pain overtook her again. Solas had almost seemed like his old self as he had mentioned the Dalish curse. His own self loathing stirred the fires of Lilith’s love. Even there before him, her chest a gaping wound of heartache, she wanted to give him just a little bit more of herself to soothe his own suffering. Somehow Solas deluded himself into thinking that by never consummating their relationship he protected her from headache. How wrong he was. 

“I wish it could,  _ vhenan. _ My love…” When he kissed her again, Lilith was greedy for the moment, leaning into the contact even as the pain in her hand threatened to consume her. Were this a play she would laugh at the trite tragedy. But as she lived the moment, it broke something in her that could never be fixed. 

“I will never forget you.” 

“Solas…wait.” Lilith reached out, her hand cracking with energy and pain. 

Her words caused Solas to pause, looking over his shoulder at her. She struggled to stand again, energy renewed by his turning back to her. 

“Please, my love, one last favor. If you ever truly loved me give me one final favor.” 

Solas turned around fully when he heard her words, taking one step closer as if drawn in by the hope of easing the hurt of his true identity. “If it is something I can give, it is your’s.” 

Lilith took a slow breath and pulled out her dagger. “My mother told me that when we love, we become the Dread Wolf and gobble down the heart of the one we love. I gave you my heart and you took it. But I see now you never gave me your heart in return. And now I have nothing in my chest. I am broken. And I am tired. I am so tired, Solas. After all we’ve been through and after all I’ve done, I can’t do this final trial. I cannot stop you and if the Inquisitor is broken...then no one will stop you. No one will stand up for our world.” 

Solas knit his eyebrows and took another step closer, surprised yet again by the Inquisitor. “You will not try and convince me to stop?”

Lilith shook her head. “I can’t. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t fight you, and I can’t watch the love of my life destroy my world. So please,  _ ma vhenan _ , end my suffering. Give me one final favor. Take care of me one more time.” 

Solas’s eyes grew wide and he shook his head. “You wish me to...to end your life?” 

“No. I wish you to end my suffering. Please, Solas. You never gave me your heart. You never gave yourself to me. And right here, standing in this place I’m not sure I can fault you for that. You never pretended to give yourself to me. You always kept your heart walled off. I fell far too easily considering I was receiving so little in return. You did not give me your heart,but you can give me this.” She held the dagger out as the pain in her hand spiked again. 

The pain was too much to handle. It dimmed her vision and as she lost consciousness, the last thing she saw was Solas’s face as he rushed towards her, consumed with worry. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Upped the rating because...well...I expanded and it seemed necessary. For now, enjoy the angst. :D

The first thing that Lilith felt when she started to wake up was disappointment. Solas hasn’t ended her life. She was in too much pain to be in the afterlife. Not only that, but she recognized the smell of her room in Skyhold. She really was starting to think of Skyhold as home. Wait. Skyhold?! 

Lilith’s eyes flew open and confirmed what her nose had known. She was sitting in her room in Skyhold, exterior doors flung wide open like she always preferred to sleep. Looking over her body as she always did after waking up after a hard battle, she noticed something worrisome. Her left hand didn’t hurt. In fact, the hard, glowing lump of the anchor was gone from her hand completely. Something was wrong. What had happened with Solas in that vale. Standing carefully, Lilith tugged off her sleeping clothes as she stumbled a little from fatigue. She struggled into the comfortable clothes she tended to wear around Skyhold before making her way, as quickly as she could muster, towards Cassandra’s rooms. 

When she stumbled into the main hall, Lilith found who she was looking for. Cassandra and Cullen were sitting at one of the long tables in the hall, sipping coffee and talking. As soon as the door to her rooms thumped closed behind her, Cassandra looked up. 

“Inquisitor…” Cassandra stood, running the few steps to get to Lilith’s side. 

Cassandra carefully held Lilith’s arm, taking some of the elf’s weight. “You are awake. Thank the Maker.” 

“Cassandra...what happened?” Lilith willingly leaned on her friend as they made their way to the table Cullen was sitting at, the commander sliding his mostly full cup of coffee in front of her. 

“Not terribly much. You’ve only been unconscious for a few days. We’ve mostly been trying to keep everyone calm while you recovered.” Cullen gave her a soft smile. 

Cassandra sighed and sat across from her. “I think she means from the start, Cullen. What is the last thing you remember?” 

“I was in the vale the eluvian led to. I...Solas was there. Oh god, Solas. Cassandra he’s Fen’Harel.” Lilith started to stand again. 

Cullen reached out and stopped her. “We know all of that. He is...Lilith he’s in a cell in the dungeons. He’s told us everything.” 

Lilith started at Cullen, the words seeming to not make any sense even as she heard them. She turned to Cassandra, hoping to have it clarified. 

“After the fight with the Qunari ended you took off after Solas in the eluvian. I stayed behind with Dorian and Varric to be sure no more Qunari followed you in. You weren’t in there but for a few minutes when the mirror activated again. It was Solas. He had you in his arms and you were unconscious. At first we weren’t sure what had happened. After all the time I spent working with him I thought he had saved you from the agent of Fen’Harel. But as he handed you over to me he offered his wrists to Varric. He confessed everything on the spot and promised he no longer had any power. Not even his own powers as a mage. When Dorian confirmed he was completely tapped out, we didn’t know what else to do so we came back to the Winter Palace. 

“Leliana feared the Qunari returning and when the healers confirmed that you were stable, she ordered us to come back to Skyhold. Without you, her orders were law. I can’t say I didn’t agree, either. You were safer here. I could watch over you here and keep you safer.” 

Lilith watched Cassandra as her friend told the story. The stress of the last few years had started to sprinkle grey hairs onto her head, and this most recent insult had Cassandra looking worn well past her threshold. 

“You did so well, Cassandra. Thank you. You truly are a wonderful friend. As are you, Cullen. Thank you for bringing me here. And thank you for...him.” She nodded, uncertain still that any of this was real. 

Cullen smiled and ducked his head. “It’s our pleasure to serve, Inquisitor. Maker knows you deserve the service. I know you probably want to go see him, but the healers requested we be sure you eat first once you’re awake.” 

Lilith thought about arguing, but ended up nodding as she felt the clawing pain in her stomach. “I’m so hungry. Some food sounds lovely.” 

“I will retrieve it. You stay here and rest.” Cassandra stood up and rushed off towards the kitchens. 

Lilith leaned against the table and sipped Cullen’s coffee. “How are the soldiers?” 

“I think it worried them to march back with you convalescing in a wagon. But we beat the Qunari back and that won the Inquisition some favors. Orlais and Ferelden were so impressed that you fell in battle against the Qun that they agreed to postpone talks and let you heal at home.” 

Lilith looked around the great hall and smiled slowly. “Home. Is this really home?” 

Cullen reached out and patted Lilith’s hand. “You once sent me to speak with your clan to inform them of what happened. They told me that no elf could be both Dalish and Inquisitor. Would you call the clan your home still?” 

Lilith looked at Cullen and slowly shook her head. “No. Not anymore. Without my mother there...there’s a reason I was happy to go out and seek information for my people. I was not happy there.” 

“And were you happy here?”

Lilith took a slow breath and nodded. “Yes. Almost every memory I have in this place is happy.” 

“The castle was abandoned. Legally the Inquisition owns it and as Inquisitor, this is your castle. Why not consider it home?” 

“I suppose I should. I just...always thought of it as temporary. But...maybe it isn’t.” 

“Should you decide to disband the Inquisition, you could continue to live here. You deserve a home.” 

“And what about you? Where is your home?” 

Cullen laughed and patted her hand before taking the coffee back and drinking some. “That is a good question. My family? Maybe. I’m not sure I have anything in common with them anymore. Not the Templars. Their rhetoric poisoned my mind and body for long enough and I’m glad to be free of them. I suppose I don’t know.” 

“Why don’t you call it here as well, then. All of you. The Inquisition has always been a group of people without a home and without a purpose. With everything that is happening it’s true that we may disband. But that doesn’t mean we have to leave our home.” 

“I still can’t believe I’ve found a home here. Before I joined the Inquisition I would have laughed myself silly if someone told me one of my closest friends would end up being a Dalish mage.” 

Lilith smiled and took another sip of coffee. “Yes, well I’d have probably laughed too. I spent the first few months here convinced you were going to try and send me to a circle or snap a collar on me in my sleep.” 

Cullen winced. “I know. I’m ashamed of ever supporting that idea. I was such a fool.” 

“You were a product of your environment. Here, exposed to the realities of magic, you learned something new. You changed. We’re all allowed to change. That’s really what the Inquisition is about, isn’t it?” 

“I suppose so. It has been a second chance for so many of us.”

Lilith laughed softly. “We’re exactly what everyone fears: a group of exiles and outcasts who have banded together to form a family.”  

“I like that thought. And I’d like to stay here no matter whether the Inquisition continues on or not.” Cullen smiled wider as Cassandra walked up with a plate of food which she put in front of Lilith. 

The eggs, potatoes, and sausage smelled better than they ever had before. Lilith didn’t even pause to thank her friend before she fell onto the plate, taking large bites of food. After she had a few bites in her stomach she paused long enough to smile at Cassandra. 

“Thank you. If we are forced to disband I want you to know you will always have a home here.” 

Cassandra frowned. “Why speak of disbanding? Is that what you wish to do? When was this discussed? Why wasn’t I informed?” 

“No.Calm down. It’s just that Cullen and I were talking about home and how somehow Skyhold has become home for so many of us. Myself included. I’m not sure I would want to leave it and I want to be sure you know that you don’t have to either.”

Looking around the bustling hall Cassandra frowned. “I...I’m not sure I could stay. But I’m not sure I could leave, either. You’re talking as if it is final, though. Do not make problems for yourself before they arise naturally.” 

“True. I already have a problem to deal with.” Lilith took a slow breath and looked toward the door that would lead her down towards the holding cells. 

Staring at the unassuming door, the half plate of food that she had seemed to inhale was a heavy weight in her stomach. She swallowed down the reflux her anxiety brought on and pushed the plate of food away.  

Cassandra watched her, worry evident on her face. “I won’t be able to convince you to wait until you’re fully healed, will I?”

“No. I have to see him.” 

“At least let me come with you.” Cullen reached out and held her arm gently. 

Lilith patted Cullen’s hand before moving it off her arm. “No. I’m sorry but I need to be able to speak with him alone. I’ll be back shortly and I’ll be fine. I promise.” 

“You have half an hour before I come down there myself. Is that clear?” Cassandra pointed at her and Lilith couldn’t help but smile at how protective she still was. 

“Yes ma’am. I promise to come back before you bring the entire inquisition down on Solas’ head.” Lilith stood, feeling stronger than she did when she first woke up. 

Whatever meager strength the food, coffee, and companions had lent Lilith seemed to trail out of her toes as she walked into the cells and saw him. There were a few guards puttering around but she didn’t even see them. All she could see was him, in his cell, sitting on a small stool and not moving. Solas looked worse than she’d ever seen him. He was somehow more pale and thin than he had been when they were traveling together and the dark circles under his eyes gave him a ghost-like appearance. As if he’d died already and was only here to haunt her with memories of their time together. Walking down she had been confident in her ability to tell him off. First he tries to end the world and now that’s changed? Or is he just here because he couldn’t kill her but he’s still going to kill everyone. He had to answer for his actions. But now? Seeing him so broken? It seemed to steal the words from her lips. 

He was so focused on staring at his own hands that he didn’t notice her walking up until she cleared her throat. When he looked up and saw her, he gasped softly, the motion causing a small crack on his dry lips to bleed a little. 

Lilith looked at him and shook her head. “Why?”

Solas swallowed and somehow seemed to deflate further. “I...I don’t know which of my grievances you want me to explain.” His voice was rough from dehydration and lack of use. 

Lilith sighed and went over to the guards’ table, pouring a cup of water and bringing it back, passing it to Solas through the bars. 

“I don’t know. I suppose we should start with the most obvious. Why are you here instead of tearing down the veil?” She grabbed a box of supplies and drug it closer so she could sit in front of his cell. 

Solas took the water and drank half of the mug quickly, sighing softly. “I have no power reserves left at the moment, actually. So even if I wished to leave I have no ability to.” 

“You’re a god. We both know that’s not true.” 

Solas looked at her and knit his eyebrows together. “I am no god. Maybe I had such power before I raised the Veil, yes. And recently I had the power I collected from the Evanuris, but my own magical abilities are strong but nothing compared to a god.”

Lilith sighed and rubbed her eyes. “I don’t know why I expected a straight answer out of you when--”

“I used up everything to remove the anchor.” Solas interrupted her. “So I don’t have the power to leave here even if I wanted to. Which I do not.” 

Lilith rubbed the palm of her hand where the anchor had been and looked at him. “You removed it? How?”

“It came from me, my magic. It was never supposed to be removed, though. It was supposed to destroy whoever carried it just in case someone other than me ended up with it. Clean up my own mess, as it were. So, removing it took a lot of power. All the power I’d collected as well as all of my own reserves, comparatively meager as they may be, actually.” Solas laughed but it sounded hollow. 

“You were collecting that power to tear down the Veil. Why use it on me?” 

Solas met her gaze and shook his head, his expression pained. “Because I failed you. And I failed myself. I failed my people. Twice, apparently.” 

“How? How did you fail me? I don’t understand, Solas. You were supposed to kill me and then end the fucking world but we’re all still here so what happened? I begged you? I fell to my knees and pleaded but you only became more cold. So why am I still alive? What suddenly changed?” Lilith stood, the fire of her anger returning to her in a sudden flash. 

Solas took a slow breath and looked at his hands. “When I was...relatively a child, I saw those I looked up to as gods become slavers and monsters. So I did what I needed to in order to stop the Evanuris. I knew it would hurt the People at first, but I had faith they would recover and become all the stronger for it. When I awoke I found them scattered, weak, still enslaved, and living in the wild while humans lived in cities almost as grand as the People used to live in. I was enraged. I had failed at my task. When my plan to rectify this mistake was foiled by you taking the anchor on, I decided to help you in order to ensure that the Veil would be torn down no matter what. I did not expect to form such a...connection with you as I did, but I thought it was superficial and that I could terminate the romance once my plans came to fruition.”

Solas shook his head and looked at Lilith as she slowly sat again. “I was right. It hurt to turn you away, to leave you. But it wasn’t more than I could take. Even when you begged me to stop it seemed a worthy sacrifice. My calculations told me that there was a very good chance that you would be fine. That everyone would be fine, actually. Only those nearest to me when I tore it down would be injured, and I planned to find somewhere unpopulated. Of course there was still a chance all life would end, but I had convinced myself that you would live no matter what. That somehow when this was over I could find you and see you still alive and still happy. But when you gave me that blade, when you begged me to kill you...I saw myself through your eyes for the first time. I hated what I saw. I saw the Evanuris. I saw myself becoming exactly what I had hated in them. I thought I had the right to dictate people’s lives. To treat them like slaves while you were sitting there in front of me like a replica of what I once stood for; a woman who had actually done so much to help the People and wanted to keep doing more. You are such a better person than I am, but there you were begging me to take your life.” 

“So you felt guilty and saved me and turned yourself in…” Lilith nodded, feeling the heartbreak of their one sided relationship anew. 

“I...well...I do suppose you could see it that way. But, Inquisitor, it’s more complicated than that. I love you.” 

Lilith stood up, feeling tears fill her vision. “No. Solas, no. I can’t do this again. I can’t listen to this because I know it’s not true. You literally just said you didn’t feel the same. Do not lie to me.”

“ _ Vhenan _ , please just listen. It is true, I do not think I felt the same. You were right that I took your heart but never gave mine in return. But when you handed me that knife? When you lost consciousness...nothing mattered except saving you. I didn’t even think about being wrong. That realization came later. All that mattered was that I save your life because I realized that I love you. I have loved you since the start. I gave you my heart but I never realized it and so neither did you. I...I know you probably hate me and you have a right to. Have your heart back. Please. It will make you happy. But I was wrong to think I could leave you. It would have killed me. You saved me even as you sought to sacrifice yourself.” He smiled and shook his head,” So I love you. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I brought you back myself. That’s why I used all my power to save you. That’s why I’ll rot in here for 1000 years if I need to. I deserve it. I almost killed my heart and I will never forgive myself for my hubris.”  

Lilith set her jaw, wishing she believed him. “Solas. You will stand trial before the Inquisition for your crimes. Should you wish to gather evidence in your own defense, you may speak to Cullen and he will send his men to fetch it. Otherwise, you may present your case to the Inquisitor in two weeks. Is that acceptable?”

“I do not wish to make a defense. I am guilty.” Solas looked at her, eyes looking just like they had when the two of them had stood so close in the Fade after he’d kissed her. 

Lilith took a slow breath and shook her head, tears finally spilling down her cheeks. “Is that acceptable?” 

“Yes. That is acceptable.” Solas sagged, looking at his hands again. 

“Good. Then I will take my leave.” 

Lilith didn’t wait for a response as she turned on her heel and marched off, making it up the stairs before she started to cry in earnest. Cassandra was waiting at the top of the stairs and swept Lilith into a hug as soon as she saw the Inquisitor. 

“What did that bastard say to you? Should I kill him?” 

“No. Not yet at least.” Lilith sighed and wiped her eyes. “We’re going to hold a trial for him but he says he doesn’t want to mount a defense. That he’s guilty.” 

“That’s the first time I think I’ve ever agreed with him.” Cassandra held her shoulders and steered her away from the cells and towards the gardens. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some plot. Things are continuing to move a little fast for these first few chapters as we get to the good stuff. Posting will remain spotty for a little while longer until the holiday season ends and I can finish the fic and push out the chapters.

The Inquisitor did not return to the cells nor did she ask Cullen if Solas changed his mind and sought to collect proof of his innocence. Cullen didn’t leave the keep, so she suspected nothing changed in regard to Solas not mounting a defense, but both Cullen and Cassandra seemed to follow her lead and say nothing about Solas. All Lilith wanted to do was not think about Solas, but that was harder than she expected. She had to answer letters and have meetings about the Qunari and the need to sort out the attack, but in the back of her mind he was constantly there. Before she sealed up the breach, life had been about figuring out how to seal the breach and save the world. After the breach was sealed, life had revolved around putting the world back together. She’d barely even had time to grieve for Solas. Then it was about the talks and the chaos of diplomacy. This was a chance to breathe and she hated it. 

Nine days after she woke up, Lilith found a blessed distraction in the form of rumors of red lyrium corrupting giants in the Storm Coast. After sending word to the Iron Bull, Lilith set off for the dreary region with the Bull, Cassandra, and Sera in tow. She couldn’t help but miss the rest: Dorian...Varric...Cole. They weren’t gone, but they’d moved on. Apparently she hadn’t. Being out on the road made her miss the times she had gone into the field with just Solas and Dorian. Mage bonding time, they’d called it, much to Vivianne’s chagrin. The three would go out into the wild and play with spells. They’d teach one another tricks and practice without the fear of others judging their ability. 

Or the times she went dragon hunting with Bull, Cassandra, and Sera. She and Bull would try and push Cassandra far enough that she’d snap at one of them. Sera served as the moderator, but mostly just just laughed when Cassandra inevitably lectured either Lilith or Bull about the fact that holding a dead dragon’s claw up in front of their crotch like an erect penis and chasing her with it was the height of immaturity. Cassandra would get red in the face and shout until she ran out of breath. But when they’d ask her to go dragon hunting again she always said yes. Lilith still suspected that she enjoyed their antics. 

Or maybe the times when just she and Solas would explore together. She would take him to elven ruins and he’d translate the engravings they found then tell her relevant stories of the ancient elves. Then they’d sit around the fire and have a quiet dinner together before curling up in the same tent to enjoy experiencing the Fade of the ruins. Solas always showed her the most wonderful things in the Fade. It was probably the happiest she’d been as an adult.  

The first night, as Lilith sat in her tent listening to the Bull snore in the next tent over, she felt utterly and completely alone. She cried herself to sleep that night. And the next. And the next. Being a Dalish mage that never fit in with her clan well, she was used to feeling totally alone. But she had gotten spoiled being in the Inquisition. She wasn’t the only elf and she wasn’t the only mage, but even among the rest of her companions she never felt alone before. She still had Cassandra and Cullen, but the Inquisition had fallen apart and left her alone in the ruins. Even the Iron Bull was only there temporarily. This was the first time in years that she had felt so utterly cut off from her allies.

If any of them noticed they didn’t mention it. They all still drank and laughed and sat around the fire to tell stories before they slept. They slapped each other’s backs and acted as if nothing happened and sometimes she forgot things had changed as well. It felt dangerously comfortable and in those moments Lilith laughed and looked for Solas to see if he was laughing too. The realization he wasn’t there only made her feel alone. Again. It wasn’t the same. She wasn’t the same and that was the really the problem. 

When they finally reached the giants there was no more time to feel sorry for herself. They’d travelled with a handful of soldiers that scouted ahead. None of them survived. When the four of them scouted forward to find out why the soldiers never returned they didn’t even find bodies. There was only boots and a few swords left in a pile. After four hours, Cassandra and Lilith had to carry Sera out while the Iron Bull led the giants in a circle, barely getting away when he distracted them with a fire. They were wildly outclassed. The giants had responded well to her spells, but it wasn’t enough. As they sat around the fire, bandaging Sera’s leg, Cassandra cleared her throat. 

“So. Does anyone have any insight on what went wrong so we can regroup and best the giants?” 

Sera winced and looked away as Lilith cleaned out the cut on her shin. “Fucking fuck that hurts. We need something bigger to throw at them. It was like shooting arrows at a tree. Sticks in, yeah, but doesn’t actually hurt the tree. Not really.” 

“It’s true. I could distract them but their skin was too tough to do much damage to.” Bull rummaged through his bag and pulled out a flask, handing it to Sera. 

“Agreed. The Inquisitor was the only one that did any real damage.” Cassandra handed Lilith a fresh roll of linen for Sera’s leg. 

Lilith nodded and started to stabilize Sera’s very probably broken shin. “Yeah but there was two of them. I couldn’t output enough damage. Any chance we can get Dorian or Vivienne down here?”

“Doubtful. Dorian is busy being a diplomat and Vivienne hasn’t spoken to us since Leliana disbanded the circles.” Cassandra watched Lilith carefully.

“Well I don’t know what else we can do…” Lilith sighed and tied off the bandage, patting Sera’s knee, “All done.” 

Cassandra sighed. “Inquisitor...Lilith...you know who we need.” 

Lilith looked at Cassandra, feeling her blood run cold. “You’re not really suggesting…”

“Believe it or not, I am. I know he and I agree on very little but people’s lives are in danger.” 

“Can we even trust him?” 

“We did before. There are people dying. We lost ten men and we very nearly lost ourselves out there today. We need help. This is coming from me so I want you to know how dire the situation is. We need help.” 

Sera looked between the two of them, frowning. “Who are you two talking about?”

“Solas, Sera. They’re talking about Solas.” Bull took the flask back from her and took a long drink from it. 

“Him?! Oh gods I thought we were free of his elfyness. He is good in a fight, though so it might not be a bad idea.” Sera grabbed for the flask again, wincing as it jostled her injured leg. 

Lilith put her face in her hands. “Oh heavens help us. We do need his help. Okay how do we do this?” 

“We head back to the closest camp and send a raven. We take a few days to recover while he travels to us. Then we take care of these giants once and for all.” Cassandra nodded as if it was settled. 

“Cassandra…” Lilith scooted closer to her friend, looking stricken.”

“It’s not a pardon but it’s a chance to show himself as still trustworthy since that’s what he claims.” 

“Is it?” Lilith looked at her, trying to read her friend’s expression. 

Cassandra sighed and started going through the supply bags to start supper. “Yes. I was curious and I went down to speak with him. I wanted to hate him after how much he hurt you. And for that reason I do still hate him. But...but I don’t think he’s actually dangerous. Not anymore, at least. He told me that he just wanted a second chance. That the Inquisition has always been a place where someone could have a second chance to do the right thing and how you’re always willing to give people the space to change for the better. He said that now it was his turn to ask our mercy and a chance to change.” 

“And you believed him?” 

“Yes. I’ve spent enough time around him to know when he’s being genuine and he was telling me the truth. And the point still stands that he has not tried to leave the cell even though his magical abilities are beginning to return. So I believed him. So did Cullen and Maker knows neither of us have a history that would make us tend towards believing a mage we consider to be dangerous.” 

“Even I do.” Sera winced as she moved into a more comfortable position. “And I still think he’s a whiny little elfy prick.” 

“Why?” Lilith shook her head and looked at Sera. 

Sera shrugged. “He’s an arse. He was an arse to you and you should always hate him for that. But when people think they’ve got a chance to get their home back, their family...real or not...well they go a bit crazy sometimes, don’t they?.” She sniffed and shrugged again. “‘Least that’s how I see it. He just went a bit mad because he thought he could get that back. Didn’t matter who got in the way or what the cost was, he wanted to help his people.” 

“But am I doing the same thing if I ask him to come help us? It doesn’t matter how bad an idea this is or what the cost will be, I’m bringing him in to help my people.” 

The Iron Bull patted her shoulder with his massive hand and grinned. “Probably. But it saves lives so it’s probably worth it this time. Also, as someone who has seen the inside of many prison cells and who has played many chess matches against that elf, someone as clever as Solas only stays in a cell because they want to.” 

“God I hope you’re right. I have to think about this.” Lilith stood carefully, going into her tent without eating supper. 

As soon as she secured the tent flaps, Lilith crawled under her blankets and started to cry. She wasn’t even sure why she was crying in the first place. This didn’t mean anything at all, they were just getting his help with a problem that was bigger than any of them as individuals. That was the problem, though. She still wanted him back just because he was Solas. Even if she knew better than to ask for that. The hole in her chest felt so wide that it threatened to consume her as she pulled the blankets over her head and tried to will herself to sleep. 

The next morning Lilith was the last to come out of her tent, eyes dark from lack of sleep.“When we get to camp we will send for him. If he betrays us again I don’t care what other orders I give. Kill him.” 

“With absolute pleasure.” Sera grinned. 

Cassandra gave Sera a hard look and sighed. “Not with pleasure. But if we need to, we will do what we need to do. What we should have done last time, but we all still trusted him completely.” 

“I’ll never make that mistake again.” Lilith nodded and started to pack her things up, embracing the emptiness she felt. 

Everyone gave her space as they packed and headed towards the camp on the beach. It wasn’t normally populated, but it was where they had set up as a base before the Inquisitor had left on her ill fated mission. It wasn’t much, but at least there was a more spacious tent for her, there. Before going into said tent for some privacy, she turned to Cassandra. 

“Send the raven now and tell him to hurry.” 

Cassandra nodded. “Yes ma’am.” 

Lilith felt bad isolating herself in the tent again, but she didn’t know how else to handle the situation. She had nothing to give anyone there. She had no hope, no inspiring speeches, and no jokes. Maybe there was nothing left of the person she used to be. Maybe he’d taken that from her, too.  Thankfully Cassandra showed up a little while later, forcing Lilith to talk to someone even if she didn’t want to. 

“So are you going to pout all day or will you talk to me?” Cassandra sat on one of the stools in the tent and started unbuckling her armor, never looking away from Lilith. 

“The plan was to pout, but I have a feeling you’re going to put a stop to that.” 

“I have given you space and I have given you time enough already. I gave you years and it seemed like you had moved on and put your life back together. But since you woke up in Skyhold it is like you are a different person. It’s like I lost you without even realizing it. I am no longer your confidant after literally years of listening to your every problem. Even before you closed the breach you’d come by my room at all hours to talk about the Inquisition, your worries, your anger at me for my connection to the Templars. I couldn’t shut you up for years. Yet you barely spoke to me as we travelled here and now you’re shutting me out again. Inquisitor, you don’t have to need me any longer. I can accept that things change and they have changed between us. But I at least deserve an explanation.” Even though her words were hard, Cassandra’s tone remained as gentle as if she were speaking to a frightened halla.

Lilith, who was most certainly not a frightened halla, met Cassandra’s gaze and set her jaw. “I lost everything, Cassandra. I used to think I would not go through life alone, but I’ve lost my hope that I will ever truly have a partner in this world. I have been struggling with that loss.” 

“That is the issue then. And myself and Cullen? Are we meaningless? And what of the others who love you?” Cassandra started to get more snippy. 

“That’s just it.” Lilith snapped back. “You and Cullen have one another. Sera has the Jennies and  Bull his Chargers. Dorian, Varric, Vivianne, and Lelianna have all moved on to newer and bigger things. Everyone has their people. I’m a Dalish mage. I love the Inquisition, but my people are the elves and those with magical abilities. Everyone who fits that bill is gone or betrayed me. I thought that I was okay. I spent years thinking it was okay and that it was enough. I made the Inquisition my life and ignored any itching doubt about this being enough and then he came back and reminded me of the fantasy of a future I had built up in my head. A future where I had someone by my side who was just like me so that I could come home to that comfort in order to shore myself up to go out and be the knife-ear Inquisitor again every day. And when I was reminded what could have been? What I could have had? To have a person my heart belongs to? It broke me, Cassandra. So yes, I have people who love me and I love every single one of you so deeply. But I have no partner in life. The closest thing I have to one is going to come here to help us fight and every time I look at him I remember how he looked when he told me his plans. I remember how cold his eyes were as he turned around to leave me to die, consumed by the anchor he created. One last mess he had to clean up. So forgive me if I pout but I never really grieved before and now I have to grieve for what I lost before I can move on and this family can be enough again.” 

Cassandra was quiet for a long moment, suddenly unable to meet Lilith’s eyes. “Did you ever stop loving him? In the time after he left, did you actually ever get over him?” 

Lilith laughed softly and shook his head. “Not even a little bit. I just ignored the issue so I love him today as much as I did the day he left us.” 

“If you ever expect to be happy with just those that remain by your side you will have to get over him first.” Cassandra’s voice was so soft it almost hurt to hear the empathy therein. 

“I know. I’m sorry I’ve pushed you away. You’re such a wonderful friend. And I will...as soon as I figure out how to.” Lilith chuckled softly and looked away. 

“I have always given you advice, whether you wanted it or not, and so I am going to give you one more piece of advice. The first step to getting over your feelings for Solas is very likely going to involve talking to him and forgiving him for what he has done. When you hold onto anger you hold onto the person for better or for worse. Let it go. Pray, if that will help you. But you have to forgive him so you can free yourself of what he has done to you.” 

Lilith glanced at Cassandra. “And if I can’t?” 

Cassandra smiled and moved closer, cupping the Inquisitor’s cheek gently. “Then I will beat the shit out of you until you do.” 

Lilith laughed, smiling wide at her friend. “Okay, Cassandra. I’ll find a way to forgive him.”

“Good. But that’s not an idle threat. I really will resort to violence if I need to.” 

“Oh, I know you will. I never doubted that. But it’s still endearingly funny.” 

Cassandra smiled. “Good. Now...shall I leave you or would you like me to stay?” 

Lilith looked at her hands and took a slow breath. “I...stay? I don’t think I actually want to be alone, as much as I’m pushing everyone away.” 

“Of course,” Cassandra smiled at her warmly, “just let me get my things and I’ll stay here tonight.” 

Lilith looked up, catching her friend by the wrist as she started to leave the tent. “Hey, Cassandra? Thanks…” 

“Of course.” Cassandra smiled fondly and winked before heading out to grab her things. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst angst angst angst angst angst. Holiday chaos is over so...fingers crossed I get more of this out fairly quickly.

It took four days for Solas to arrive, one day longer than their group had taken to get there in the first place. But that wasn’t entirely surprising. Solas always complained when they travelled for too long or he’d get distracted by some ruins and lose half a day exploring them. Lilith remembered one time when they were in the Frostback Mountains when she’d woken up to him missing and sent scouts out searching for him in a blind panic. After a day of searching they turned up nothing and she’d started to really worry that something terrible had happened. Varric ended up finding Solas a good five minute walk away in the cave near camp where he’d found cave paintings. The scouts hadn’t checked so close to camp since Lilith had called his name loudly enough that anyone nearby could have heard. Turns out you can’t hear a panicked woman shouting your name when you’re in the Fade. When they found him she wasn’t even angry. It was such a Solas thing to wander off and get caught up in exploring the Fade that all she felt was fond towards the fussy elf she had fallen in love with. 

Rather than causing her to feel more annoyed, Solas’  tardiness seemed to bring back good memories of travel and made Lilith feel that same fondness towards him. Maybe she really could forgive him and move on. Or maybe it was just because she had so many good memories of traveling with him that they could weigh heavier than the more recent negative memories. 

Ever the diplomat, Josephine had counseled the Inquisitor early on to be sure that she travelled with all of her inner circle of advisors in order to be sure that no one felt left out. Initially, she had selected who to travel with based on the region and the mission. When elves were involved it was best to leave Sera behind and take Solas and Cassandra along to help ease relations. If there was blood that needed to be shed, she could always count on the Iron Bull’s keen axe and Blackwall’s steadfast shield to help her cut through swarms of darkspawn. And sometimes she needed a lighter touch that only Varric and Sera could provide. Cole, Vivienne, even Cullen sometimes. She travelled with them all. But after a while, after the flirtation between them had become more tangible and something more hopeful, Solas was always at her side. It became accepted that any time she stepped foot outside the walls of Skyhold, Solas would be there with her. Initially, she had insisted upon it, finding reasons why this mission really truly needed his presence. When she finally dropped the pretense he supplied the reason when his presence was questioned. 

“I cannot bear to see her go out there into the wilds when I know that I might be by her side to protect her or heal her. You know I’m the only one here proficient in healing magic,” he told Leliana one day when she had expressed concern that Solas had been selected for a stealth based operation. Once their relationship became common knowledge, they dropped the pretense of excuses as well as the unbearable separate tents at night. They never had sex, of course. Solas insisted that he wished to move slowly and Lilith was content with their pace because she was so hopelessly in love with him. Instead of sex, they would sit there in the tent at night, a thousand miles away from whatever fight they marched towards as they lay in one another’s arms. In those evenings she memorized every inch of his face by dim lamplight. 

It was a similar, yet so very different face that greeted her when Solas finally arrived to their camp. Much like a cat, Solas hated the rain. But the inclimate weather alone was not the only cause of his current state. He had deep, purple circles under his eyes that suggested a chronic lack of sleep and his skin, which was always pale, was now so thin and dry looking that she suspected if someone touched him too hard he might rip apart. He looked fragile and frail in a way she had never seen him look before and her anger towards him was quickly dwarfed by her concern. 

“Solas,” she walked up to him quickly, starting to reach out for him but pulling back at the last second for fear of hurting his fragile looking body, “are you okay?” 

Solas looked at the hand that had nearly touched him, taking her lack of physical contact as proof of her continued disgust with him. He sighed and put on a weak smile. 

“I am fine. I have not been sleeping well recently, is all. Traveling alone did not suit me well. I spent an entire day completely turned around when a herd of druffalo stomped through and knocked over two trail markers. But it’s in the past. I am here now to help with the giants.” He nodded and at her, trying to keep a smile on his face even if he didn’t feel like smiling. 

Lilith sighed and shook her head, her anger still burning in the back of her mind but somehow easier to ignore now that she was actually talking to him. “We will. After you sleep, that is. You’re useless in a fight if you haven’t slept well. I remember you tripping over your own staff trying to fight bandits when we’d walked all night and day without resting.” 

Solas looked down, laughing softly. “This is true. I will do my best to rest today and tonight, then.” 

“Good. Do. That’s an order.” Lilith looked at him and her heart clenched with anguish at seeing him so weak. 

Gritting her teeth she looked away and pushed down the heartache, suddenly wishing she was still just angry at him as she turned and walked off. Forgiveness hurt worse than heartache. As she left to sit by the fire near Cassandra, needing the comfort of her friend’s proximity, Solas began to slowly set up his tent. It was notably far away from her own and once he had finished putting it together he did not join Lilith and her companions by the fire. Instead , he turned to go into the tent he had just put together, closing the flaps tight behind him. 

“Is he really going to just go in there by himself? He’s not even going to try to catch up with any of us?” Lilith sighed. 

The Iron Bull shrugged and poked at the fire with a stick. “It’s him. He’s never been terribly social.” 

“Besides, I think he needs some rest after his travels. And you did just order him to sleep.” Cassandra nodded, patting her knee. 

“True. I’m not sure I like him locking himself away, though. It seems unwise.” Lilith kept watching the tent. 

“I don’t either. Never know what weird elfy things he’s doing in there. I still don’t trust him an inch after he was going to kill us all just for a bunch of crusty dusty dead elves. Even if we do need him now.” Sera scoffed and went back to eating the cheese that looked suspiciously like Cassandra’s missing rations. 

“Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone is stupid sometimes. Knowing when to stop before you go too far is what makes someone a good person and he stopped at the last second, but he stopped.” Cassandra looked at her and frowned. “Is that my cheese?” 

Discussion of Solas was quickly forgotten as the Seeker began chasing the Red Jenny around the camp, shouting as Sera giggled and hobbled on her injured leg like it was all one big game. When the display was over it was time for supper. When supper was over it was time to walk the perimeter of camp and confirm that the surrounding area was still secure. When that was done it was time for sleep. Lilith didn’t think about Solas again until she closed her eyes. Then, suddenly, he was all she could think about. Solas. Solas. God she hadn’t even had a real relationship with him and yet she missed it. They had never gone on a date. They had never been terribly affectionate. But they didn’t need to. Standing on the battlements together as he leaned close, hand on her lower back while he told her some grand tale of the history of their people. It was so incredibly intimate. He shared with her his hopes, his fears, and his personality. She didn’t need romance when she was privy to his true self. But apparently it had been a farce. It wasn’t really him. How could he have shared so much and still betrayed her the way he did? Was any of it actually real? All she wanted was to ask him that question. And, apparently, now was her chance as she found herself walking up to him as he leaned against a tree, meditating. 

“What the fuck, Solas?!” She shouted, crossing her arms. 

Solas startled, scrambling to his feet as he looked around wildly before his eyes found her. “Lilith? What...what are you doing here?”

“I’m here to ask you what the fuck happened?” 

“No,” he sighed, looking noticeably less tired already, “I mean what are you doing here. In the Fade.” 

“The Fade?” Lilith looked around and as she did she saw it, the sky, the wrongness in the sky that made her stomach churn every time she was here. 

It was like it had been the few times she had visited the Fade while in the dreaming world with Solas before, an echo of the real world instead of the hellscape the Fade could sometimes be. But it still unnerved her. 

“How did I get here? Why did you bring me here?” She stepped forward, suddenly more angry than she ever had been before. 

Solas held his hands up and backed into the tree he had been meditating under. “I didn’t do it! I did nothing. I was meditating and trying to rest and you came to me.” 

“I...but...how?” she looked around. “I’ve never been here when you didn’t bring me here.” 

“You’re still an elf, though. You are the People. We are intrinsically tied to the Fade. Yes, I brought you here before. But it was not hard to do. In the dreaming anyone may enter the Fade as long as they know how. Your mind must have known how and just...did it for you.” He shrugged, looking at her like a puzzle that needed to be solved. 

“Then why am I here? With you? Are you watching my dreams?” She grit her teeth and glared at him. 

Solas hung his head and sighed. “No. Though I will admit that is why I have not been sleeping well. When I enter the dreaming my mind awkats takes me into the Fade and as it is based on the desires of my subconscious, instantly to you. I didn’t realize it at first until I saw you weeks ago and realized I had entered your dream. Of course, I left at once. I would never enter your dreams without permission but my subconscious desires do not listen to reason. Since then I have resorted to meditating rather that simply falling asleep so that I can still rest some while maintaining control of my whereabouts. I am in my own pocket of space that I built to rest in. You came here to me.”

“Why?” Lilith’s voice was small as her anger seemed to choke her even as she felt the heat of her ire die out. 

Solas watched her for a long second, swallowing before he looked away and stepped to the side and further away from her, putting a reasonable amount of space between them. “You must have been thinking about me. And feeling something quite intently, too. Based on your initial reaction to arriving here, I would suspect anger.” 

“I...yeah. I was. I am. I’m...pissed.” She watched him, not really feeling the venom of the sentiment anymore now that she was face with the man himself. 

“You have every right to be...pissed, as you say. I have wronged you so deeply and I will never be able to apologize enough for my actions.” 

Lilith pursed her lips and leaned against the tree to watch Solas who was now pacing a safe distance away. “I just...how could you? How could you pretend to give so much of yourself to me? How could you build what looked so very much like a relationship, and then just leave me and choose to, most likely, kill me just so some very long dead elves could live again? I thought we were...I don’t know what I thought but I know I couldn’t have done the same to you. I loved you too much to have broken your trust like that, so how the hell could you?”

“Because I am very good at lying.” Solas stopped pacing and watched her. 

Lilith’s shoulders sagged and she let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. “Oh.” 

Solas took a step forward, suddenly looking scared. “No! Not like that. Not to you. I...to myself. I lied to myself so adeptly. I told myself that I wouldn’t grow close to you, but I did. I then told myself that it would not matter if we were close or not, that you were just another elf. A mortal woman whose life is always destined to be short, so letting you go early would not be hard to do, but I was wrong. I thought I could look you in the eye and continue on with the plan. I could not. I had convinced myself that you would live and my plan would not affect you. Facing the fact that you would die, by my own hand...Lilith when you asked me to kill you I could not. I realized I could never do that. That I cared far too deeply for you to ever put your life in danger. In that moment my lies crumbled to dust and I realized that if I continued on with my plan that I would very likely lose you. Statistics and odds didn’t matter. If only a single person died and there was a chance that person would be you, I couldn’t tear down the Veil. And beyond that, my own anchor of power was killing you slowly and I had done nothing to stop it. It wasn’t simply theoretical when you handed me that knife. It was tangible and it was unbearable to me. I would have rather died a thousand times over than to see you hurt. 

“So I took all the power I had and put it into your hand to remove the anchor. Honestly, it didn’t require that much power, but I poured all of it into your hand because I didn’t want it anymore. I didn’t want that temptation. It was my penance for my arrogance to give up even my own former power that I had stored away for myself and reclaimed after I left the Inquisition. I stand before you the man I was before. No more powerful than a well trained mage. And I stand before you an utter fool who held in his hands the most precious thing in the world and yet I let it go. In fact, I didn’t just let it go, I crushed it and tossed it aside. So I am a very good liar because I told myself this would not break me. And yet here we are and I am broken beyond repair.” 

“Oh.” Lilith stared at him for a long moment, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable and painfully aware that she was interrupting his private dreaming. It was too much to take. He was crumbling before her and she felt glad to see him suffer even as she wanted to hold him close and ease his suffering. It was too much to think about, too much to...it was just too much and neither one of them was being helped by her staying there.

“I...I should go.” She glanced around, wishing she knew how to get out. 

Solas smiled warmly at her and nodded. “Yes you should. I will see you in the morning.” 

And with that the vision faded, the Fade listening to her screaming desire to get out. Lilith woke up and sighed, rubbing her eyes and sitting up in her bed roll. Cassandra snored softly from the other side of the tent, still staying close as Lilith had requested. They were both broken by this, Lilith and Solas. They were both struggling. That realization put out the anger in her heart faster than a bucket of water on a fire. Without that anger, Lilith only had the emptiness again. But as she settled back into her bed roll, it felt less crushing. She felt like she could breathe as she fell asleep again where  she, thankfully, saw no signs of Solas.

Lilith was thankful for a peaceful night of sleep as it left her feeling rested. She woke up the next morning feeling capable of reflecting on her real feelings on the subject instead of just pushing them aside because it hurt too much to touch them. First and foremost, she was still heartbroken. Solas had left her in ruins. But he seemed to truly regret his actions against her and the Inquisition. It made the sting of his betrayal less acute, but it didn’t change the fact that he had decided to follow through in the first place. He wasn’t a monster, but he was still an idiot. But she could work with an idiot. She could fight alongside an idiot. She could forgive an idiot and finally be allowed to move on and begin to rebuild her life without Solas at her side. That was hope. Lilith even found a smile on her face when she saw Solas the next morning. 

Solas blinked at her, staring at the expression on her face. “I...are you okay?”

Lilith smiled wider and nodded. “I’m fine. I just slept very well last night for the first time in a very long time. How about you? Did you sleep well?” 

Solas watched her for a long moment before giving her a small, uncomfortable smile. “I did, actually. I got more rest than I have in a while. I actually dared to sleep instead of just meditating and...was alone the whole time. I feel the effects of that rest.” 

“It shows. You look energetic today///which is good since we’re going to go fight some red lyrium fueled giants.” She smiled wider and started packing her bag. 

“Oh crap. Are you two chummy again? Do I have to hear you two talk about elfy things all the way to the giants today?” Sera walked up with her bag, still limping on a leg that she insisted wasn’t broken even though everyone else agreed that it was. 

Lilith looked at her and frowned. “You won’t. Not simply because we will be going quietly, but also because you’re not going.” 

“I’m what? Step off it you need my help.” Sera crossed her arms. 

Cassandra looked up from where she was nursing a cup of coffee. “No, Sera. You almost died last time. You are still recovering. Besides, these things seem to be sensitive to magic. Bull has an enchanted sword and the rest of us are capable of magic. You are the only one who cannot damage them with any magic and you’re also the only one who is injured. It would be unwise to bring you along.”

“Also, I said no and I’m still the Inquisitor. That’s an order.” Lilith shrugged. 

Sera threw her bag down. “Fucking shitballs arse cock prick fuck. I hate all of you and your stupid everything. That’s a fucking order my arse.” She shouted as she limped off to the other side of camp. 

“Well...that went well.” Solas stared at Sera as she stormed into her tent. 

Lilith laughed and shook her head. “Yeah, it could have only gone better if you’d talked about elven things and magic until she’d left.” 

Solas looked at her and smiled softly again, almost feeling himself relax some. “True. But she would have likely taken a swing at me in the process and I’d rather not have to deal with that. We are fighting giants today, after all.” 

As Lilith laughed, the Iron Bull stumbled out of his tent, rubbing his eyes. “You three look relaxed. All night orgy or good joke?”

“We’re all imagining Sera punching the absolute shit out of Solas.” Cassandra smiled and offered him some breakfast. “It’s delightful.”

Bull took the offered food and smiled. “That’s a good image. I take it she was told she’s staying behind?”

“Oh yes. Did not take it well at all. She hates us all, apparently.” Lilith sighed. 

Bull shrugged. “She’s hurt. No shame in that. We need to move quickly and she will only slow us down. She will see reason soon enough. Speaking of slow, let’s walk and eat at the same time. There’s a nasty storm blowing in and I’d like to be done before it gets here.”

“It is literally always storming here. How can you know a worse one is coming?” Cassandra narrowed her eyes at him even as she picked up her pack and settled it on her back.  

“I feel it in my horns. I just know.” Bull pointed to his horns. 

Lilith shook her head and smiled, the old fondness for her traveling companions finally pushing past the loneliness she felt. “I don’t know if you really do or not, but I agree. Something in the air feels off. Let’s get going so we can do this and go home.”


	5. Chapter 5

The plan was fairly simple; together the giants were able to tag team and keep the group scattering for safety from the boulders they were throwing. In order to break the pair up, Solas and Bull would try and draw one giant away while Lilith and Cassandra drew the other away. After a brief uncomfortable discussion that involved Bull shouting “prove it” multiple times, they were all able to confirm that Solas was no more powerful than he had been before, and so they could not expect a big show from him. The plan was to have each swordbearer keep one giant’s attention while the mages worked together and took one giant apart with arcane energy at a time. They’d start with Bull’s giant since Cassandra could cast spells and work on her’s while they burned down Bull’s. Then they’d turn to the final giant and end him. It was a decent plan. 

It was a decent plan until about two minutes into the fight when one of the giants knocked Lilith aside with its club before she could get out of the way. She had tumbled down a large hill and the giant took off in pursuit of her. Without thinking, Solas had turned and raced after them, leaving Cassandra and Bull alone with the other giant. Without a swordsman to keep it’s attention, the giant was a difficult task. Solas got Lilith onto her feet and shoved a potion into her hands before he started working on the giant. The two of them had to keep moving to not get hit, running from tree to tree as they threw lightning and fire at it. Solas kept them protected with barriers as much as he could, but both mages were drained, battered, and tired by the time the giant finally fell, the glowing red lyrium that streaked throughout its body starting to grow dim. Lilith fell to her knees by its corpse, struggling to catch her breath as she held a rib that felt cracked. 

“It’s dead. Thank Mythal it’s dead.” She winced as she took deeper breaths, trying to feed her oxygen starved blood. 

Solas looked at her and limped over, ignoring a gash on his leg as he reached out to heal the rib she was holding. “Where are the others? We have to help them.” 

Lilith sighed and closed her eyes as the pain in her side subsided. “I don’t know. We shouldn’t be far from them. Once we’re healed up enough to move let’s trace our steps back so we can help.” 

“Okay. I’m almost tapped out, though, so I’m not sure how much I can do for us.” Solas sat on the ground as he finished healing Lilith, dizzy with fatigue. 

“Hold on.” Lilith dug through her backpack, pulling out a dusty bottle. “It’s not the most potent but it’s a slow healing potion. Should help you feel a little better over the walk back.” 

Solas healed the largest cut on his leg before downing the potion with a grimace. “Thank you. Can you walk?”

Lilith stood carefully with a wince and held her hand out to Solas. “Yeah. Come on, we need to move.” 

Solas took her hand and slowly pulled himself to his feet. “Thank you. Right. Where are we? Which way to Cassandra and Bull?” 

Lilith looked around and shook her head. “I...I don’t know. Okay...I can see our tracks still but the rain is going to wash them away, so we need to move while there’s still a trail to follow.” 

“Lead on.” Solas took a step forward, stumbling some when his leg gave out. 

Lilith caught him quickly, pulling Solas’ arm around her shoulder and holding his waist. “Shit. Careful, Solas.” 

Solas winced and held onto her as they started to move forward, leaning heavily on her with every other step. “I’m sorry. I closed the wound on my leg but apparently I didn’t go deep enough. It still hurts like fire.” 

“Don’t worry about it. You used too much energy healing me. You should have saved some for yourself.” 

“I didn’t realize I was that tapped out. It’s been two years since I got drained so easily.” Solas sighed. 

Lilith looked up at him frowned. “You shouldn’t have given up all of your power. Maybe the power that wasn’t your’s to keep, yes. But you were essentially a god. We could have used a god in that fight. We could use a god right now.” 

Solas shook his head as they continued to follow their fading tracks as quickly as was possible. “No. When I had the power of a god I was willing to sacrifice the lives of those I care most about just because it suited me. That is the exact reason I built the Veil and cut off the Evanuris. I wasn’t right to do that, even. I did it for the same reason they enslaved elves, because I wanted to and it suited me. I have proven twice now that I cannot be trusted with that kind of power. I’m of more use to you as an elf who runs out of energy and can’t heal himself than as a trickster god who cannot tell right from wrong. Trust me.” 

“Okay. But this conversation isn’t over. Power doesn’t have to corrupt people, Solas.” 

“Fine. The conversation isn’t over, but our trail is.” Solas looked around, searching for any evidence of footsteps but not finding any. 

Lilith looked around as well and sighed. He was right. The rain had increased in intensity, washing away even the steps that had only taken a moment before. 

“Fucking hell. Okay. I think we went down that hill before...so let’s go up it. Maybe the trees up there protected some of our trail and we can pick it up again.” 

After almost an hour of wandering they had only managed to find the shore. They had not actually been near the shore when they got separated from Cassandra and Bull, so neither Lilith nor Solas knew how they had ended up at the shore,now, but that's where their attempts to track had led them. To make matters worse, Bull was right, a massive storm was rolling in making it hard to see more than a few feet in front of them. It was becoming more and more dangerous to continue to travel. Between the lack of visibility and the deep cold of the frigid rain pounding against her soaked armor, Lilith knew that continuing to travel would only put their lives at risk. Growing up with the Dalish may not have taught her much in the eyes of civilized society, but it taught her how to survive in the wild and right now they needed somewhere dry to rest. Seeing a small cave near the top of a nearby hill, Lilith grabbed Solas’ wrist and pulled him towards it, his leg having recovered thanks to the potion she gave him. 

“What are we doing? We didn’t go into a cave when we were running from the giant.” Solas looked at her, clearly confused. 

“And we didn’t go near the shore, either. We’re lost. Very lost. Solas, I can’t see anything out there and the Storm Coast is treacherous during a normal storm let alone this horrible downpour. We have to stop for the night or we’re putting our lives at risk.”

Solas looked out at the storm and sighed. “We’re far enough from the ocean to be safe here, but if we can’t make it to them now, then how in the hell are we going to make it in the morning? How is staying here better than continuing to look for them?”

“You may be thousands of years old but you’ve never truly roughed it, have you?” Lilith huffed a laugh. “The storm won’t last forever. Come morning we can see where the sun is rising from and use that to help us sort out which way is south. Main camp is near the beach south of here. If we can’t make it to Cassandra and Bull, at least we can make it back to camp. I don’t know about Cassandra, but I know Bull understands that if you get separated and can’t find the rest of your group, you go back to where you last camped together. They’ll find their way back to camp as well.”

Solas took a slow breath before starting to gather the few bits of damp driftwood littered cave. “Okay. I trust you. I’ll get a fire started, then.” 

“I’ll set up tents but then we both need to dry off and warm off or else we risk hypothermia as it gets colder tonight.” Lilith opened her pack and pulled out the tent, frowning when she saw the mess of broken wood. “Shit. The fall down the hill must have broken it.” 

“Is mine intact still?” Solas looked up from where he was neatly piling firewood, drying it with a little bit of his remaining magic. 

Lilith opened Solas’ bag and pulled out his tent. “It’s fine. You didn’t fall down a mountain and land on your back on top of it, so of course it’s fine.” 

“Then stop staring at it and set it up already. It’ll be fine. You can sleep in the tent and I’ll sleep on the ground.” Solas turned back to the wood. 

Lilith frowned and looked at the canvas in her hands. “That’s not fair, though. It’s going to be wet and cold on the ground.” 

“I may not be good at roughing it, but contrary to what you say I’ve done plenty of it. Do not forget that I spent 300 years wandering around and camping in the wild. I spent most nights on the ground so I could have a stronger connection to the Fade.” 

“And were you comfortable?”

Solas lit their campfire and paused. “Well...no. But I didn’t mind. I was happy.” 

Lilith started putting the tent together and shook her head. No. This wouldn’t do. She wasn’t about to let him, injured and drained of magical reserves, sleep on the ground. It was a recipe for pneumonia and it wasn’t responsible. No, they were both adults and this was about staying safe. Beyond any of that after being so thoroughly soaked by the rain, survival skills suggested they needed to sleep in the same tent to help conserve body heat. 

Lifting her chin as her stubborn streak kicked in, Lilith looked over her shoulder at Solas. “Solas, please be reasonable. It doesn’t have to be weird unless you make it weird. Just sleep in the tent. It’s not as if this will be the first time we’ve shared a tent so...don’t make me order you.”

After a long minute of silence Solas sighed loudly. “Fine. Hand me your rations.” 

Lilith tossed him her bag before she finished putting the tent together, laying both of their bed rolls out. She had told Solas to not make it weird, but she still felt her stomach knot up looking at the two bedrolls next to one another. Just like they used to look when they were together and traveling. She looked over her shoulder at Solas as he set their food out, fixing two plates of cured sausage and hard cheese as he lay their bread near the fire to toast. Just like he always did when they were still together and were traveling. Lilith set their packs inside the tent before sitting on the other side of the fire from Solas, trying to distract herself from the memories that were somehow painful and comforting all at once. 

“Do you remember when Cullen asked us if we were vegetarians?” 

“After we’d just sat down to eat the roast boar that he’d killed earlier that day. That was so dreadfully awkward. He didn’t even realize how racist of a comment it was.” Solas smiled and turned the slices of bread. 

Lilith shook her head and sighed. “I was so miffed. All that time spent around mages and he really never met an elf? Never sat and ate with them?” 

Solas rolled his eyes. “We both know he was around an elf at some point in time. But that was when he was so entrenched in Templar life that he likely never looked at a mage long enough to notice their race.” 

“You know...sometimes I’m not so sure that wasn’t the right way to do things, never fraternizing with the mages in case things got out of hand and they needed to step in.” 

“Oh?” Solas looked up at her suddenly, eyes hard. 

Lilith met his gaze and nodded. “These were mages without real training and without leadership. So many of them failed to learn the necessary control as their power grew, and so the Templars were a necessary protection for the people. I don’t think the circles were right, don’t mistake my words. But without any training or support and with mages being treated as a cannon set to explode, the Templars needed to be able to act heartlessly for when the cannon inevitably went off. Think of how much different our lives would be right now if the Inquisition had operated in a similar way.” 

Solas’ shoulders drooped and he suddenly looked away. “I disagree. I am eternally grateful that the...the camaraderie of the Inquisition was enough to stop me from making a terrible mistake.” 

“Speaking of. Solas...I have questions still. I don’t want to pry. I don’t want to...intrude on your dreams anymore. But these questions still plague me and I want to ask them.” 

Solas didn’t look at her but nodded. “Ask. If I have any answers to give, they’re yours.” 

“In the Fade, when we were following the spirit that looked like Divine Justinia, do you remember the graveyard?”

He nodded again. “Yes. I remember it vividly.” 

“Could you see what every grave said?” 

“I don’t honestly know. I did not look far from my own. Why?” 

“Because I could see every grave,” Solas looked up at her suddenly as she spoke, “and I saw what yours said. ‘Dying alone’ is your greatest fear, and yet you were going to potentially kill every single person who cared enough about you to be by your side ‘till the end. What’s the logic in that?” 

Solas took a slow breath and watched her for a moment before answering. “I...I said I was good at lying to myself, didn’t I? I believed...I truly believed that I was alone here. That by accidentally sacrificing my people when I put up the Veil I had condemned myself to a life alone. I lived in this world for hundreds of years and my assumptions were confirmed over and over again. I did not fit in with the Dalish. They knew twisted legends when I had memories of real events. I did not fit in with the city Elves. I never wanted to be more human they way they do. Wherever I went I was called Rabbit, Knife-Ear, Flat-Ear, Savage...I was alone. I wanted to stop being alone. Hundreds of years of solitude easily outweighs a few years of companionship when considered from a logical standpoint. I lo...I loved each and every person in the Inquisition. Even Vivianne. Even Varric. But I believed that none of them could look at me, knowing who I truly am and what I did, and actually continue to be my friends. I’m not even sure they would now.” 

“So the promise of a chance at what you lost was worth the sacrifice?” 

“You don’t understand. Imagine if stopping Alexius in Redcliffe had led to a future where your friends, your family, your people suffered even more than they had in the future you saw. Wouldn’t you do anything to stop that future?” 

Lilith swallowed, feeling like she was choking on the thought of losing everyone and everything even though she’d stopped Alexius. 

“Exactly. Even if you befriended a few of the spirits in that reality, they wouldn’t be the people you loved before. They’d still represent everything you lost.” 

“So I represent the loss of the ancient Elves?” Lilith watched him, sad at the thought that her presence could bring so much pain.  

Solas smiled at her and shook his head. “No. Not anymore, at least. At first...I will not lie, you did. You attracted me to you so wholly, but your life and your history was a reminder of what I had lost. But I was so blinded by my selfishness that I never dared to see what I had gained.” 

“Which is?”

“A world in which all people have a chance. In my world of ancient Elves, we ruled from floating cities in the sky. We kept the Dwarves underground and humans in the wilds. We never would have created a city where all people lived together. One in one hundred people call me knife-ear...but the other ninety-nine speak kindly to me and treat me with respect. I let my heartache blind me to the reality that I would only die alone if I let this world die out. If I...if I lost you. Don’t…,” he spoke quickly as Lilith frowned at him, “don’t think I am suggesting I believe I will have you in my life as I did before. Even I would never be so arrogant. However, you have forever touched my life. Even if it is just in my memories, I will never be without you. You have made me better. Stronger.”

Lilith was quiet as she watched him. Solas didn’t meet her gaze as he put the toasted bread on the small ration plates, handing one to her. She always had been a pushover for a sob story. Even now as she heard Solas speak of his regret, all she wanted to do was to hold him close and make it better. That was all she ever really wanted, though. And it was what he wanted too. Sure he said he didn’t assume he’d have that chance, but by even saying that he was acknowledging that he wanted the chance to try again. Now, looking at him in the flesh once more, Lilith wasn’t sure she knew how to say no to him. Nor was she sure she wanted to. Her anger was still there, but it was so slight in comparison to the heartache both she and Solas felt. Heartache that only the other could soothe. 

The two of them ate in silence, Solas never looking up at Lilith and Lilith never looking away from Solas as she considered what step to take next. When they’d finished eating Solas collected both plates, rinsing them in the torrential downpour of rain at the mouth of the cave. He carefully filled both waterskins in the stream before finally meeting Lilith’s persistent gaze as she sat by the fire still and watched him. 

“Do you have any other questions?” He handed her a waterskin. 

Lilith took it, setting it aside immediately, her focus only on the question that could clear the tangle of thoughts in her mind. “If we were in the Fade right now, what would the tombstone say?” 

Solas pursed his lips, standing a little taller as he answered. “Losing myself like that again.” 

“If you lost yourself before, then have I ever met the real you?” Lilith mentally braced herself for the answer she feared but expected.

Solas stared down at her and knit his eyebrows together. “Yes. Of course you have. Every time we were in the field. Every time we sat in the library rotunda and spoke together. Every time we walked the Fade together. Every minute save for the few in which I pulled away from you and the first few times we spoke, you met the real me. You brought me out. I locked who I was away when I woke up in your world but in the span of a few weeks of talking, you found me. You made me whole again after the loss of Mythal broke me. I lost who I was after you killed Corypheus. I locked myself away once more so I could leave your side. I almost lost myself forever. I don’t want to lose myself again.” 

Lilith watched him face neutral. After a moment she sighed and blinked, holding Solas’ gaze with her own. 

“I’ve rendered my judgement, as the Inquisitor, as the leader of my people, in the case of Solas and his crimes against our cause.” 

“Oh? I didn’t realize this was my trial.” Solas raised an eyebrow. 

Lilith stood and reached out to grasp his forearm. “It wasn’t supposed to be. But I’ve heard all I needed to hear. Solas...people make mistakes. As I have been reminded of lately by my friends and advisers, the Inquisition has always been about second chances for those who wish them. When you came to us, unlike most of those in my inner circle, myself included, you did not need a second chance. You seemed to be tailor made for our cause and I know now it’s because you were not entirely truthful with us. But now you do need a second chance. You need an opportunity to prove that you have learned from the past and, therefore, become a better person. So you have it. Prove yourself a worthy member of the Inquisition once more, Solas, and you will always have a place with us.” 

“And...and you? Not as the Inquisitor but just as yourself. How far does my second chance extend. I do not wish to press the issue but I do like to know where I stand.” Solas glanced down to her hand on his arm. 

Lilith pulled her hand away and looked down at the ground, shaking her head. “That trial is still in progress.” 

“Good.” He sighed, shoulders finally relaxing.

She looked up at him and frowned. “Good?” 

He smiled and tilted his head a little. “You haven’t made up your mind. Without a decision being made I haven’t lost you again. Not yet, at least. Even if in the end the answer is no...I will clothe myself in the hope that only a lack of an answer can provide.” 

The corner of Lilith’s mouth curled into a smile and she took a step back, putting some distance between them. “Okay. Then I...won’t feel the need to rush to a decision, I suppose.”

“Take all the time you need. To even consider the question is probably more than I deserve.” Solas smiled, watching her with a look of fondness that she was unprepared to see again. 

Clearing her throat, Lilith, looked away, seeking refuge in the work still to be done. “We...we should finish settling camp, now.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh NOOOOO there's only ONE TENT! What EVER will HAPPEN!?


End file.
